How Do You Deal With Pressure?
How Do You Deal With Pressure?
Your stories for the week
Today’s question is about being hard on yourself. Can I relate? Can we all relate? Yes. Especially to being hard on yourself in situations where you’re expected to perform.
I’m eager to hear what you all have to say here. What I will say is something I say to myself at least once most days: Give yourself grace. No matter what it is. Just … grace. You deserve it.
I, like many others, am my own harshest critic. This predates my time as a parent and can get out of hand in stressful times to the point of poor sleep, back pain, and the constant feeling that an anvil of criticism and judgment is weighing down on my chest and slowly crushing me. I have learned and sometimes remember to practice showing compassion and care to myself, but I’m not perfect, and it’s still a lot at times. I recently spent a couple of weeks with my in-laws (they were visiting where we live, staying at a rental house nearby). I spent the majority of that time yelling at myself in my own head about how awful I am and that I can’t get along with them better and go with the flow when they invariably annoy me in countless ways. Needless to say, 2+ weeks of being incredibly hard on myself was not pleasant, and I am still decompressing from the experience and feeling quite wounded.
So my question is, how do folks find ways to take care of themselves when they are in family situations where they feel pressure to entertain, socialize, and/or be “on”? I don’t want to skip family visits for the rest of eternity, but I also don’t want to keep putting myself through the wringer like this.
—Under Pressure
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How Do You Deal With Pressure?
What I have learned, instead of beating myself up for not going with the flow, is to reject the idea that I need to go with the flow. Being socialized as a woman is to be constantly told to subjugate your needs, to be easy, to be chill, to be calm, quiet and friendly. Screw that honestly. That is society training you to be taken advantage of for the convenience of everyone else. Don’t go with the flow. Listen to your needs. Take breaks. Don’t let your in laws come for 2 weeks. Send your partner to the rental house and see them less. Make a clear cut schedule. Whatever feels good to you. In short, don’t go with the flow, embrace your needs and stop feeling guilty for having them.
It took me until I was 36 to start antidepressants. I was doing everything else right, I was working out daily, eating well, sleeping (well as much as you can with small kids) and going to therapy. But my brain kept yelling at me, no matter what. It took a disastrous event where I was crying every day to start antidepressants. My only regret is I didn't start sooner. After a few days, it's like someone turned down the volume in my head after a whole lifetime at 11. Most of the time, my brain is silent and I can be at peace. That voice is still back there, but it's just no longer in charge. I wish you luck and love, life is hard enough.